c'est la vie.

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hiya. i'm caitlin, i'm a normal teenage girl. i have great friends, a supportive family, a boyfriend that i've been with for nearly a year and i'm pretty popular at school. some people would say my life is perfect, but it's not. it has one major flaw, and that is the burning desire to be thin. and i will be.


Monday, 4 October 2010

can't cope with this stress.

My earlier good mood has been absolutely diminished and all I am left with is anger and fustration. I'm completely and utterly fed up. So I did my sit ups, I did 200 all together and then my mum shouts me to come and eat my dinner. So I walk down the stairs into the kitchen where she's got this massive chicken mayo sandwich ready for me. It wasn't even real chicken, it was that horrible fatty stuff that they try and pass off as chicken. She was watching me while I was eating it so I had to eat it all. I sat chewing each bite until it just felt like horrible mush in my mouth.

Then I felt so horribly full so I did a few more sit ups and I decided to weigh myself, I could have cried when I saw what the scale said, I've gained 4 pounds apparently, although I do usually weigh myself in the morning after I wee so you never know. Urgh, I feel so fat and ugly. 

I'm so stressed out for these resits I've got in English, I got a B first time round and it was a year early because I was in year9 when I did them but apparently a B isn't good enough so I've got to do the whole thing again to get an A* and thats next month and I'm no where near ready for it because I've got to learn all the stuff for this year and revise last year, and do well in every other subject aswell, which I've also got pointless resits in. URGH! the only upside to all this is the fact that I'm going to have to go to revision sessions at dinner so it'll take my mind off eating.

I'm sorry, this is my forth post and already I'm boring you to death.  I'll make sure my next post is happy. I love you guys who are following me already :-) Thankyou <3


I just finished watching skins on 4od. I love that show, I can't wait for the new series, but it probably won't be on until next year. Jeez, Effy is so skinny it's unfair. She's my new thinspo. It would just be amazing to be that thin and when I am, I'll be able to wear any clothes I want from topshop and look good because clothes always seem to look better on thin people.

I've just done 130 sit ups, and i'm going to do a few more in a minute because I don't like the number 130, its just like 13 but with a zero on the end and I can't have any bad luck this week. It's my birthday on Saturday and I really reaaaally don't want to gain any weight for it. It'd be great to lose a few more pounds before then so I'm going to work really really hard.

Thankyou to my two followers, knowing you're there and reading what I write gives me motivation, thankyou! Sorry this is just a short post, but I've got to do my sit ups. Bye!

Friday, 1 October 2010

i want to be beautiful.

Before I say anything, this blog will not be 100% about my eating habits, I will tell you about interesting things happening in my life aswell like the fact that it's my birthday next Saturday, although as this post is one of my first ones I feel like introducing myself to anyone who happens to read it. :) so, here goes:

I've never been happy with my body, even when I was little I can remember wanting to be thinner and not wanting to wear a dress to school because i thought people would laugh at how chubby my legs were. No-one ever did, in fact no one even took as much as a second glance, it was just me beating my self up, making myself feel fat and ugly, but if I was thinking it then others must be too right?

As I've got older, I've developed more insecurities about my body, I hate how chubby my thighs still are, I hate how they wobble and I absolutely dispise the cellulite that is developing on the back of them. I hate how when I sit up in bed, my belly rolls over and I hate the extra flab on my arms. Whenever I say anything about my worries to my family or friends or my boyfriend Rob, they all tell me to stop being stupid and I'm imagining it all, they just brush off my comments without a second thought so this is why I've resorted to blogging, I have no-one to talk to. Even if nobody reads this I'll still feel better to know that I've got everything off my chest.

I've seen other blogs similar to this one and they all get incredible support. Nobody tells them to stop being stupid and eat, they help eachother through. I don't want to lie to my self anymore, I am fat and I'm going to do something about it.

I've been cutting down for a few weeks now, I have no breakfast in the morning, instead of taking a full ham sandwich (300kcal), a packet of crisps(130kcal), an energy drink (95kcal) and a cookie(155kcal) to school for dinner, I've been taking water(0kcal), and half a ham sandwich(150kcal). So at dinner time I have 530calories less than usual. Then at tea time I've either had a cheese toastie (I don't even want to think about the calories in that) a cup-a-soup(cant remember how many calories, I know it's less than 100) , or a small portion of what everyone else is having. Then I do sit-ups in my room every day after I get home from school to tone up my belly.

To be honest, I'm actually really suprised that my mum and dad haven't noticed yet, I mean, they must know there's more crisps in the cupboard than usual, why haven't they wondered why I've hardly been eating anything for tea? Haven't they noticed all the bottles of water I've been drinking? I never drink water usually. They must have heard me weigh my self more that usual. Maybe its because they're not looking for it. Even so, it won't be long untill they pick up on something, I must be more sneaky.

I am so happy with my progress so far, my start weight was 128pounds or 9stone and 2lb and I've got it down to 121pounds which is 8stone and 9lb. This has given me motivation, if I've lost that much weight in a few weeks, how much can I lose in a few months. This is turning into an obsession and even though I know it isn't necesarily doing me any good, I'm getting thinner and that's all I care about.

"nothing tastes as good as thin feels" -Kate Moss.

my story ☼

So there's this girl, and she's fed up of hating her reflection. She's tired of trying to change it and failing, she just wants to be beautiful. this time she's determined to do it, she will show everyone how strong she is and reach the ultimate goal.
This girl wants perfection.
This girl wants to be thin.
This girl is me.